The previous post also applies to friendship. Having been put through hell for the past almost three years – especially the last one – I’ve learned a lot. It’s so cliche to say that you know who your real friends are when the shit hits the fan, but it’s true. I spent the best part of a year crying at least once every day: at my desk, in the bathroom, on the subway, in the shower, on the beach, in Starbucks when they forgot my order… The list goes on. What’s even more sad than that is how alone I felt during most of it. I’m not in the habit of asking for help either so a lot of the blame lies with myself but at the same time, everyone close to me knew what I was going through and the worst part is that more often than not I was being a better friend to them than they were to me (save for the sanctity of a few who listened to me rant and rave about the same things over and over). It sucks because I’m always there when a friend needs me, whether it’s accompanying someone to a party where she doesn’t know anybody, going out on a mad one to help someone else get over a break up, or lending a sympathetic ear when someone needs a soundboard. Yet when I need someone to help take my mind off whatever is going on, everyone is either busy or wants to do something completely opposite to what I had in mind. And of course whenever I’m honest and say I can’t do x or go to y, I’m being a shit friend. This is my problem. I put so much effort in to everything that expectations keep getting higher and higher and no one appreciates what I do do. I’ve already learned this is the case in other aspects of my life but when it comes to friendships, it’s a little harder to say “Right, fuck you. I’m off to create some opportunities for myself.” My guilty conscience will not allow it. I’m not saying that I associate with a load of crap fake people – I’m actually lucky to have so many awesome people in my life – but it would be nice to feel appreciated every once in a while.
